In which our hero discovers the emotional perils of curdled cream
Algernon Blake had little patience for mistakes, and less still for avoidable ones. While on his way to North Devonshire, where he had been called to investigate the mysterious disappearance of one Edward Harvey Locksley, he couldn’t help but think about a particularly egregious slip made that morning by his longtime maid and unacknowledged only friend, Ms. Elizabeth Butler.
Algernon had been reading the newspaper when Ms. Butler arrived with a breakfast tray. She set the spread before him—humming softly, as was her custom—and poured a steaming cup of earl gray tea, as was his favorite. Two lumps of sugar followed, then a measured spoonful of cream. Perhaps it was the nasal-clogging heat of the tea, or the particular brightness of the room, but neither Algernon nor Ms. Butler noticed the unsettling odor and peculiar shade of the cream until the drink was forcefully expelled from Algernon’s lips across the table, newspaper, and Ms. Butler’s otherwise pristine apron. They stared at each other in horror—Ms. Butler realizing why the cat had dismissed his morning saucer, and Algernon angered at having lost his composure, even in the presence of his longtime maid and unacknowledged only friend.
Ms. Butler instantly fell upon the mess, wiping the table with her apron, blotting the paper, and avoiding eye contact with her employer. You see, Elizabeth Butler and Algernon Blake were in love, though neither party was, at that time, aware of the condition. They had long before grown accustomed to the feeling, the way one grows accustomed to the ringing of church bells or the texture of roast chicken, and would remain unrequited in their secret devotion until the incident in North Devonshire was resolved, and Earl Locksley—for he was, in fact, born to an aristocratic family—apprehended for the events that preceded his mysterious disappearance.
Algernon and Ms. Butler’s unspoken feelings had long been tempered by a rigid daily routine that excluded any opportunity for emotional arousal—least of all that greatest of aphrodisiacs, anger. But in her careless haste to bring Algernon his morning tea, Ms. Butler broke the serenity of that tacit denial, and their relationship would never again be quite the same.
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BEST MOVE EVER
can algernon be a detective with superhero strength?
I saw your good success at NYCmmm creative writing competition (am jealous). Congrats on that. And congats also on the John Hopkins master’s program in fiction. Truly outstanding girl!
Reading the beginning of this story, one doesn’t have to read very far before one can see you write with style and panache. You are a skilled writer (am jealous again).
RE: The above (interactive?) story
I love the beginning. The story captured me right away. However, your log line denigrates the story to me – it doesn’t do your story justice. Change the log line to a more serious tone. You have a potential first-class murder mystery (suspense thriller?) developing here. At least that’s the ambiance that comes through to me.
Develop the story in a serious manner (as your writing warrants) and don’t pan yourself with superfluous and offhanded log-lines. At least, I don’t envision this piece as being spoofish, myself. The story starts much too *engagingly and real* to be relegated to being a laconic spoof piece. Why not write a serious piece?
I love how you’ve already effectively established a love affair between Algernon and Ms. Butler in the opening – and so effortlessly (good job). I think we also fairly quickly need to establish *a period and an era* for the story. You don’t necessarily have to, but I find myself already wondering where this is all taking place and when. It feels rather British, don’t you think (although I don’t think that’s a Royal Doulton pitcher in the pichur’, is it?).
Of course the story is going to require some danger down the road for Algernon and/or Ms. Butler, don’t you think? I can already feel the suspense developing. I hope that it’s a happy ending for A. and Ms. B. however – no dark Victorian tragedies, please.
That’s the way I see this story shaping up. Good stuff though, girl, wherever you decide to go with it. I wish you the very best in all your endeavors. Love your writing (am jealous).
Jack
First off, I apologize for not picking up the quite obvious locale => “North Devonshire”, England. My bad…
I might as well put in my whole two cents while I’m at it (and probably be done with the whole thing as I piss you off). I hope you’re not offended by the following suggestions though. Hopefully, my ideas are food for thought. I submit these suggestions realizing that some of my ideas may interleave with your thinking; while some may not. There isn’t necessarily a right or wrong here. However, allow me to express how I see things.
That being said:
First of all, let me reiterate, I see this as a serious story; not as a spoof or a lampoon or a parody. Your elegant use of language is somewhat wasted in a spoof… to me anyway.
“Algernon Blake had little patience for mistakes, and less still for avoidable ones.” As Mark Twain expressed about writing fiction, you want to make the reader empathize and like your good guys and viscerally disdain your bad guys. Algernon is the main character, right? We want the reader to like this guy and root for his success in this story. This first sentence already paints Algernon as being perhaps a little bit petulant, and maybe a little intolerant (?). It’s not particularly attractive that Algernon has no patience. Instead, why don’t you identify a positive character trait and promote that in the opening sentence.
I do like the fact, however, that you are developing character exposition in the opening sentence. Get down to it with your characters. Hazy character development in the beginning of a story usually makes for a ‘put the book down’ kinda’ deal. Good job with getting right to character development.
The name, “Algernon”… I immediately think of “Flowers for Algernon”: Charley… and even lawnmower man – not necessarily relevant mental associations. The name, Algernon, is somewhat neutral, but the unconscious association for some (like moi) does not necessarily reinforce the needs of your story. You have already developed a (potential) romance. Allow the hero’s name to reflect strength, or wisdom, or something else positive or romantic. Algernon just doesn’t do it for me – guy probably picks daisies as a hobby (if you’ve ever seen the daisies on an old paperback cover of “Flowers for Algernon”).
Which brings me to the name: Ms. Elizabeth Butler. I don’t like that name either. It’s too easy. Too pat. The lady actually is serving as a butler (aide, personal asst.) and so her name becomes a bit too obvious. Since you have developed a (potential) romance between the two, why not give this lady a sexy name – something that evinces beauty or femininity or romance. As with Algernon, draw the reader into liking this woman. Make her attractive.
“…and their relationship would never again be quite the same.” This chapter-ending sentence is too strong and too potentially fatal. Use the cream incident so that rather than forcing the characters apart, in an arcane sense, let it bring them together moreso. You appear to be developing a romance here. Don’t put unnecessary road blocks in the way of that.
Now I would agree, names are somewhat inconsequential. However, you don’t want your character’s names to detract or be in dissonance with the story. If character’s names can’t add anything, at least allow them to be neutral. Neither name, in my opinion, adds color or enhancement. Rename them both.
The cream incident: I’m a little confused with what was the matter with the cream (yes, I’m a bit slow perhaps). I would have thought it was simply an incident of curdled cream (which I think it was), except for the introduction of the cat to the discussion. The introduction of the cat (and the colorful descriptions of the off-kilter cream) left me a little bit perplexed (upon *first reading anyway*… not after I had read it twice). Did the cat actually do something to the cream? Yuck! Let’s just clarify a little further that this was just purely an incident of curdled cream.
Introducing the cat is good though. The cat adds color to the scene. Maybe Algernon and the cat both share a strong pecadillo of ‘positively detesting’ soured cream – and Elizabeth was negligent in picking up the cat’s behavior that morning: an unaccustomed oversight on her part.
Where does one go with this story? In my experience, when writing something, if you have nowhere to go… that’s generally where you will end up => nowhere. You need to toss around some plot ideas about where this story might actually be heading (I have ideas, but I hesitate making this too-o-ooo long). A general plot structure and general character exposition is needed, however.
To properly get in the mind of your characters, it is usually helpful to at least vaguely define their characters and personas at the outset of the story. This can all change and evolve as required, but give yourself some initial direction or you will find yourself wandering. Just because we do some initial planning, this doesn’t mean this still can’t be an interactive enterprise. There will still be an abundance of detail and divergent choices ahead. Let’s just somewhat steer the rudder initially so that the story doesn’t take on an absent-minded character.
I love the fact that you’ve already developed a (potential) romance on page 1 – nice job with that. You’ve already created excellent romantic tension. The romantic tension can be carried throughout the story. Readers will identify and desire to see that relationship deepen. It will engage them and keep them interested in the characters. Of course, in the end, I’m not sure the reader will want the romance to remain unrequitted.
I could say more… but I know I’ve already been too verbose. Sorry for that. I have strong ideas though (not necessarily good ideas… just strong ones… ha)
Jack